Y’all. This recipe is not for the faint of heart. It has fish, tomato juice, gelatin, and peas. And I made it all before 10 am, which in hindsight was a terrible choice. Do not include this in your next brunch menu. My friend Allen sent me this recipe for Tomato Fish Mold from the @cursedcookbooks page on Instagram and it’s a doozy. It’s like a jiggly Bloody Mary with fish chunks in it. But y’all know I don’t back down from a challenge. So, here we go!
Ingredients:
1 ¾ cups water
1 small onion, peeled
3 Tablespoons lemon juice
½ teaspoon salt
4 white peppercorns
1 small bay leaf
8 ounces white fish fillets
¾ cup tomato juice
6 Tablespoons white wine
2 teaspoons vinegar
¼ teaspoon each celery salt and tarragon
½ teaspoon paprika
3 Tablespoons warm water
½ ounce gelatin
2 ounces cooked peas
Lettuce, lemon slices, and dill for garnish I guess?
First off, this thing takes an unreasonable amount of work. And the end product is absolutely not worth it. I’m telling you now, don’t even bother. You start by cutting up the fish and poaching it in the water with the onion, lemon juice, salt, pepper, and bay leaf. Oh, you don’t know how to poach fish? Yeah, me neither, so I let it cook a while and hoped for the best. I went to make some Sausage Rolls from the Dinner and Buckingham Palace cookbook as a backup snack. May the Queen rest in peace.
Strain the poaching liquid, but reserve that fishy sludge for later. You have to put some of it in with the tomato juice. No, I’m not kidding. Combine ¾ cup of the fish water with the tomato juice, wine, vinegar, celery salt, tarragon, and paprika. Heat over medium heat, but don’t boil it. You want warm tomato-fish sludge, not hot apparently? Meanwhile, sprinkle your gelatin over your warm water and stir until the gelatin dissolves. I used chicken stock because I read the recipe wrong, but it improved the flavor. Probably.
Stir your gelatin into the tomato mixture and then pour a thin layer into your mold. I failed miserably at the wedding cake-shaped mold last time, so it was either a bunny or a star mold this time. The star won because it was the cleanest. You have to let the gelatin chill for a half hour after each layer, so the mold went into the fridge.
After chilling (me and the mold), I added a layer of fish and gelatin and back into the fridge it went for 30 minutes. Then, I added a layer of peas and gelatin. I still can’t believe I have mixed this many things into gelatin. This was not my life plan. Chill and lather, rinse, repeat, until you run out of fish, peas, or gelatin. And let it chill one final time for at least 30 minutes before you serve it to your unsuspecting guests.
I unmolded the Death Star and gleefully went to find my family. I was able to get a reaction photo of my daughter as she fled the scene, she was nonplussed. My husband actually tasted the abomination, and said it, “gave him a concussion”. He was still complaining about it 30 minutes later. I tasted it myself and immediately regretted all of my life choices that have led up to this day. It was slimy and cold. The fish was bland, and so were the peas. This was an absolute waste of wine and chicken stock. The dogs loved it.
My husband has a theory that all the Jell-O molds in these cookbooks were just housewives trolling each other to see if they could get someone else to eat these recipes. At this point, I’m not sure he’s wrong. And that would make me a giant SUCKER.
Final rating: Housewife trolling level 100. One of the most offensive things I’ve ever put in my mouth. But still smelled better than the egg, ham, and asparagus mold.
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